미치겠다...

너에게서 멀어지는 순간.

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ᵅᵈᵈᶦᶜᵗᶤᵒᶰ중독 Segments:
Part One, Part Two, Part Two Collab, Part Three

중독 Part2 Collab.

PROFILE

EXITS

YOU SAY

FROM ME TO YOU

Sunday, August 8, 2010 / 2:42 AM

Trying never works.

Here I am again... posting. So far, I've tried to sound a little bit lighter in my posts. But right now, I feel so defeated. I hate relationships. I hate "love". I hate how it's every teenagers problems. No, teenagers aren't too young to love. Yes, love doesn't make any f**king sense.

I admit, relationships make people happy. Even though I hate it. I yearn for one. I wish I had what others had. I wish I had someone special to share moments with. Cherish happy times together. Feel the warmth of their embrace.

I never was in a relationship. I've been close to one. But I never know what I want. It's hard. I'm scared. I know eventually I'll get hurt. But when in a relationship, always prepare for the worst.

Besides my whole parent issue, this "love" thing has been quite a major problem for me. I've kept it for a while. I'm torn between two.. But sometimes, I just want to start over. I want to forget them. I wish I never had these feelings. It causes me stress. I know Sora, that you and Oppa sometimes say I'm a "player". But really, I'm not. I just talk to guys a lot, and I get a long with them well. But when I like someone, it's hard for me. I desperately wish to start over. New and Fresh.

The first person is Reizo. I was so lucky to meet him near New Years. I never expected us to click to fast. We met, texting, and phone calls all the time. Then we hung out for the second time, and I remember, it was just the two of us in TC library and I had to leave. Before I left, I was standing out side the library, and he pulled me behind the vending machines to hug me. The little things mean the most to me. Then he surprised me at my school on my birthday in february. He lives all the way in southside and came that far to see me. He got me a hello kitty teddy bear that I still keep on my bed. That day... he walked me home, and I gave him a little box of stars. He gave me a letter, and I gave him one. Although it sounds corny, I liked it. I enjoyed it. But as time continued, I realized it was more of a "flirtationship". I started to lose interest. But then...

I didn't realize what I had until I lost it.

I realized this when I started to get jealous. He had pictures of this girl on his profile, and msn pictures. I don't know why I felt that way, but it stung. I asked our mutual friend if Reizo was dating this girl, or if they had a thing going. But my friend said the girl already had a boyfriend. Even though she's taken and he's not, I'm still jealous. Lately, I've been trying to talk to him like we use to, and try to get back to the happiness I had with him before, but it just doesn't seem like he's interested anymore.. I always end up messing things up whenever I get closer to someone I like. It's hard to find the person that will keep fighting, and not give up so easily.

Lastly, there is Yoshi. He's been my best friend for years. Almost three years and counting. I did like him at a time. He's always been there for me. He always listens to me, takes the time to give me advice, and worries about me. He seems like the "perfect" person for me. He told me he likes me, and I confessed to him as well. That day, I felt extremely happy. I felt like my whole problem with Reizo disappeared. I wanted to start over with Yoshi. But the more I spent time with him, just the two of us, and reading the messages he sends me. I'm beginning to realize, that when I liked him in a relationship way, that was before. I realize now, I cherish his friendship. I love him, as a best friend. As someone that I can go to when I have problems, someone that will love me back as a friend or sister. Someone I can enjoy spending time with on a friend level basis. But I don't know how I would tell him. I don't even know if what I "realized" is even true. Like I said... I didn't realize what I had until I lost it. If I ever lost Yoshi, then maybe I would regret it.

I may have left out someone. Hiro. I liked him last year, and most of this year as well.. I do miss him. I still miss him. When ever I would go to see him, I had that thumping, that anxiety, this weird feeling before I'd see him. I would be nervouse. I've never felt that way before. He was the only one to make me feel that way. He told me he didn't like me back, but we continued to talk normally like it was nothing. But when he stopped talking to me, I still don't know why, I really really missed him. I wanted to talk to him again. I just wanted to have that sense of knowing that he didn't forget about me. I could talk to him now if I wanted to, but what's the use when you know that you have to start every conversation, and try to stop feeling as if you're bothering him. What good does it do to say "hey, whats up?". But that one sentence, if I ever received that from him, or even one small phone call, I would be happy. I wanted to forget him. I liked him the most. I wanted him the most. I just wanted to be near him. Although I never saw him often, he made me feel insane. It hurts.

So much.

Finally, I've gotten this long story off of my chest, I don't feel better, but I don't feel worse. But hopefully, one day, I will figure out what I want. Maybe start over and realize what I want. Fall in love with that special person. Who ever it is. Who ever is out there for me. I believe that whoever the person is, it doesnt matter, all that matters is that they're in love. Guy to guy, girl to girl, guy to girl. I think that there is no really " sexual preference". It's just what happens. One day, I'll find that someone, who ever they are.

I'll be happy. I will smile

I d o n 't k n o w a n y m o r e

photo credits: emo_rawr_5038 via photobucket.com