미치겠다...너에게서 멀어지는 순간.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010 / 1:23 AM
Well.. I haven't posted any thing for awhile. Then again, I've been sick for almost two weeks. SO STUPID. I hate being sick in the summer time. Since that last post, yes, it's the same sickness. Fevers aren't supposed to exceed three days, but my fever isn't really bad now, it's pretty minor, all I have now really is just a whole ton of coughing. I hate it cause I don't want to get anyone sick, especially for the upcoming debut.. THIS WEEK. ahhh.. stress. Now I must try to relieve my stress. Ahh... blog, thank you for letting me let out my stressful stress-like stress stress stress upon you.
ONE: The dance thing. Aiisshh.. We have less than a week before the cotillion. It's this saturday.. A lot of the dances are still a mess and there are even more dances I'm not in that aren't even finished. No offence or anything.. but everything just seems really unorganized. I mean.. a debut is supposed to be really big, and really special, something that should be planned months in advance, that goes for the dancing too. The dances preferably should start being practiced months in advance as well, because there's so many to perform and to get right and to get the transitions, formations and everything. Then the preparations like the seating and tables and decor and what not. I'm not sure how long ago my friend started planning her debut, but as for the dances.... We started a month ago, and haven't even had a single practice with everyone yet. I really hope things go well.
TWO: Stupid boys. I think I should just let them all go. I hate this, three choices relationship stuff. I don't want to seem cold hearted. But it would really take a load off. I just want to start over. I don't want to have this issue with these people. I just want to be unexpected, perhaps meet someone new. And maybe I already have unofficially. But I think it's better that way. Thinking about someone I don't even know. It's easier. I hae no worries. It's easy to just lay eyes on someone and think "oh, well that persons really good looking" , and never actually hang out with them that very moment. Maybe slowly get to know them. It seems like a better thing to do. But then there's my problem with Reizo, Yoshi and Hiro. Reizo for starters started talking to me last week unexpectedly. He talked like he used to back when we first met. I liked it I guess, it was fun to talk to him like that but.. low and behold, it only really lasted a day or two, not even. Then he says that we should hang out, but I have to give him a call in order to do so. Truthfully, I don't really now if I want to. He claims he still likes me, but maybe he just said it because of what I told him last week. [ in reference to the posts last week ] . Then Hiro, well I did really miss him, a lot. Then I talk to him online that one time before he left for camping. It was nice. But then, when he gets back, and I talk to him again, things felt different. I just felt like I was annoying him. I tried to talk like we used to, it worked before he went to camp, but the other day, was just different. I hated it. I feel so indecisive. One minute I miss him like crazy, now I just don't really feel like it was even worth it to have all those posts about him and have these weird feelings. Yes, I liked him a lot before. Yes, he was a great friend. Yes, I missed him. Yes, I didn't want to lose his friendship. Now? I don't really care. After talking to him a few times after he got back, maybe now I see why we stopped talking. There's just nothing to talk about anymore. I don't know what it is. But since it was such a long time when we stopped talking, they say that if you don't see someone or hear from someone for a long time, you miss them and it makes the heart more fond or something. But seriously? It worked on me, then once they get back, I feel like a complete idiot for making such a big deal about it. Aish.. the teenage brain.
-breathes and catches breath-
THEN THERE'S YOSHI! Best friend best friend best friend. More and more I start to see his friendship as way more important. But then, a few days ago at gezelles house. My other friend said that apparently yoshi was planning to ask me out on gezelles debut. The thing that popped into my head at that moment was "oh no..". I just want to stay friends for now. But I don't know how I'm going to react if he does go through with his plan.
THREE: SCHOOL. SUMMERS OVER. WHYWHYWHYWHY. WHY MUST SCHOOL TAUNT ME.
FOUR: Dad wants me to get learners. I'm too lazy, I can't do it in a week. Debut coming. Cannot learn to drive.
FIVE: I'm lazy to say everything.
e x p l o d e .
photo credits : ~MistaBobby via deviantart.com
Sunday, August 15, 2010 / 10:53 AM
So today is Gezelle's actual birthday. I won't be able to go. Why? Because I somehow got a fever in the middle of the summer. -sigh- So therefore, I get to miss a party and going out today. I guess it's not a big deal, being sick at a party isn't very good. Oh well, I get to finish my drama today anyway, and I feel lazy. Oh well.
Anyways, I think it's the end of the road for me and Reizo. That's ok I guess. I'd rather him be happy. Hopefully with that other girl, she seems like a good match for him. Whatever makes him happy, I'll be happy. I've thought about it for the past few days, and that's my decision. End of story.
Hiro has gone camping. It's his first time and I hope he has fun. I was so happy that I got to speak with him again even if it was over the computer. That's alright. I'm ok with that. I felt good. It was just like old times. We talked like we used to. I feel better. I feel happier. I wish I could keep speaking to him. I still wonder why he never really talked to me over those long months. But now we're slightly talking again. So that's good. I hope I can continue this.
So an old friend called me the other day and she asked if I wanted to go to dinner with her and a friend. But I said no for two reasons. One: I was really sick. Two: It was weird. I haven't hung out with her for so long and to be honest, I hold a grudge against her. I'm not really the type that holds grudges, but when It comes to her, there's just something that makes me angry. Over the past 2-3 years, we've always been fighting and so much stress. It's a very long story but I don't know what to do honestly. I've tried to patch things up with her many times and she has too, but every time when I think things are finally going to be ok, another fight is around the corner. ( Fighting not physical*). What I hate most, is after we fight, the next day she acts like nothing happened and expects me to act the same. I told her that and she said she doesn't hold grudges, but then I told her that not everyone can be like her. So after a while, it's just hard to talk to her normally like we did how many years ago. She used to be my best friend. But now, I don't even know if I see her as a friend. We just don't click anymore. I don't know if it's worth it to try again for how many countless times.
Now I feel like I can slightly breathe more. Now that a new school year is coming up, I think it's time to be happier and breathe. Get rid of past stress and worry, and try to embrace what's new for me and what's coming. Or maybe I'll just try to start now. Hopefully my parents will be ok, my whole Reizo, Hiro, Yoshi thing will sort out, and perhaps my friend.
A l l I h a v e t o d o i s b r e a t h e .
photo credits: ~little-pretty via deviantart.com
Wednesday, August 11, 2010 / 12:20 AM
Today, I told Reizo what was on my mind. Involving me and him. Him and me only. Should I use the correct grammar?
Him and I
I told him how I felt as lame and corny as that sounds. But maybe it was for the best. I felt like I was pestering him too much to try to talk to him and everything. I felt like a bother. So I decided to finally just tell him. I feel better than I got it off my chest. Although his answer wasn't all happy sunshine, I'm okay.
He said he still "likes" me, but doesn't know if things would work out between us. Explaining things like that. I'm ok with it. I did leave out the fact about the other girl. Maybe it's just a sneaky way of saying "There's someone else". But honestly, if he ended up with her, I would be happy. If she makes him smile, that's wonderful. She seems like a great girl. I've heard about her a lot. I don't want to be selfish. He deserves his happiness. Sure, if he ended up with her, I'd feel sad for a while. But I'd get over it. If we didn't talk for a while, I'd get over that too. I would still like to keep his friendship. Then again, truthfully, I can't see us being good longterm friends. Maybe I'm sounding harsh. The friendships that I'm most afraid to lose are Hiro and Yoshi.
For now, my main focus is to try to get back into good terms with Hiro again. So far, all is going well. Maybe today was a good day after all. He will still talk to me. But only if I start talking to him. I can accept that fact for a while, but maybe he'll go back to before, and talk to me first. I don't like chasing.
Yoshi will always be there for me, no matter what. And I'm lucky for that. No matter what decision I make about me and him. He will understand. He told me so. But he'll always be my best friend. He'll always take care of me and look out for me like he always did. I am grateful.
Besides all that "love" crap that I loathe with a passion, [ hypocrite ] , today was very productive. I decided to help around the house more than usual, and my parents seem to be getting a long better. Although my dad complained about my mom a little bit earlier when she wasn't home, all is well. There were no fights today. And I am completely happy for that. I think maybe my family is getting better. But I can't think that for too long. My mom will be leaving on her vacation soon that my dad doesn't approve of, and I know things will start up again. But no family is perfect. No family will ever be perfect. As much as I want mine to be, I know it wont happen. But I learn to live with what I have, and I don't want to lose that. I appreciate small things, I don't like big things. I don't care if I don't get any christmas gifts, or ever get greeted on my birthday, as long as my parents stay together, and as long as everyone else is happy, that's good enough for me.
Anyways, I cleaned, I made jello, I did laundry, I helped with other things. All is well. Tomorrow I'm off to a friends house that I haven't seen since school ended. I'm looking forward to it. Today/Tomorrow will be a better day.
I'll lift my head above the water, I'll breathe. I'll be happy.
I'll be 1 O O %.
photo credits: ~Z-duck via deviantart.com
Sunday, August 8, 2010 / 2:42 AM
Trying never works.
Here I am again... posting. So far, I've tried to sound a little bit lighter in my posts. But right now, I feel so defeated. I hate relationships. I hate "love". I hate how it's every teenagers problems. No, teenagers aren't too young to love. Yes, love doesn't make any f**king sense.
I admit, relationships make people happy. Even though I hate it. I yearn for one. I wish I had what others had. I wish I had someone special to share moments with. Cherish happy times together. Feel the warmth of their embrace.
I never was in a relationship. I've been close to one. But I never know what I want. It's hard. I'm scared. I know eventually I'll get hurt. But when in a relationship, always prepare for the worst.
Besides my whole parent issue, this "love" thing has been quite a major problem for me. I've kept it for a while. I'm torn between two.. But sometimes, I just want to start over. I want to forget them. I wish I never had these feelings. It causes me stress. I know Sora, that you and Oppa sometimes say I'm a "player". But really, I'm not. I just talk to guys a lot, and I get a long with them well. But when I like someone, it's hard for me. I desperately wish to start over. New and Fresh.
The first person is Reizo. I was so lucky to meet him near New Years. I never expected us to click to fast. We met, texting, and phone calls all the time. Then we hung out for the second time, and I remember, it was just the two of us in TC library and I had to leave. Before I left, I was standing out side the library, and he pulled me behind the vending machines to hug me. The little things mean the most to me. Then he surprised me at my school on my birthday in february. He lives all the way in southside and came that far to see me. He got me a hello kitty teddy bear that I still keep on my bed. That day... he walked me home, and I gave him a little box of stars. He gave me a letter, and I gave him one. Although it sounds corny, I liked it. I enjoyed it. But as time continued, I realized it was more of a "flirtationship". I started to lose interest. But then...
I didn't realize what I had until I lost it.
I realized this when I started to get jealous. He had pictures of this girl on his profile, and msn pictures. I don't know why I felt that way, but it stung. I asked our mutual friend if Reizo was dating this girl, or if they had a thing going. But my friend said the girl already had a boyfriend. Even though she's taken and he's not, I'm still jealous. Lately, I've been trying to talk to him like we use to, and try to get back to the happiness I had with him before, but it just doesn't seem like he's interested anymore.. I always end up messing things up whenever I get closer to someone I like. It's hard to find the person that will keep fighting, and not give up so easily.
Lastly, there is Yoshi. He's been my best friend for years. Almost three years and counting. I did like him at a time. He's always been there for me. He always listens to me, takes the time to give me advice, and worries about me. He seems like the "perfect" person for me. He told me he likes me, and I confessed to him as well. That day, I felt extremely happy. I felt like my whole problem with Reizo disappeared. I wanted to start over with Yoshi. But the more I spent time with him, just the two of us, and reading the messages he sends me. I'm beginning to realize, that when I liked him in a relationship way, that was before. I realize now, I cherish his friendship. I love him, as a best friend. As someone that I can go to when I have problems, someone that will love me back as a friend or sister. Someone I can enjoy spending time with on a friend level basis. But I don't know how I would tell him. I don't even know if what I "realized" is even true. Like I said... I didn't realize what I had until I lost it. If I ever lost Yoshi, then maybe I would regret it.
I may have left out someone. Hiro. I liked him last year, and most of this year as well.. I do miss him. I still miss him. When ever I would go to see him, I had that thumping, that anxiety, this weird feeling before I'd see him. I would be nervouse. I've never felt that way before. He was the only one to make me feel that way. He told me he didn't like me back, but we continued to talk normally like it was nothing. But when he stopped talking to me, I still don't know why, I really really missed him. I wanted to talk to him again. I just wanted to have that sense of knowing that he didn't forget about me. I could talk to him now if I wanted to, but what's the use when you know that you have to start every conversation, and try to stop feeling as if you're bothering him. What good does it do to say "hey, whats up?". But that one sentence, if I ever received that from him, or even one small phone call, I would be happy. I wanted to forget him. I liked him the most. I wanted him the most. I just wanted to be near him. Although I never saw him often, he made me feel insane. It hurts.
Finally, I've gotten this long story off of my chest, I don't feel better, but I don't feel worse. But hopefully, one day, I will figure out what I want. Maybe start over and realize what I want. Fall in love with that special person. Who ever it is. Who ever is out there for me. I believe that whoever the person is, it doesnt matter, all that matters is that they're in love. Guy to guy, girl to girl, guy to girl. I think that there is no really " sexual preference". It's just what happens. One day, I'll find that someone, who ever they are.
I'll be happy. I will smile
I d o n 't k n o w a n y m o r e
photo credits: emo_rawr_5038 via photobucket.com
Friday, August 6, 2010 / 2:00 PM
Back home again after a short vacation. It wasn't tooo bad. But I kind of wish I never went. This trip was supposed to be good for my family, but instead, just made the situation even worse.
I enjoyed going to sea world and seeing an abundance of ocean creatures and was happy to have some bonding time with my dad. I also liked seeing so much in Los angeles. I visited koreatown, little tokyo, venice beach, hollywood, beverly hills, rodeo drive. So much! It's such a big place, I'd like to go back again one day, but, that day wont be soon.
My parents have been constantly fighting lately. It's just really hard to deal with. I'm not supposed to say anything out it, which really really hurts, because how can I go to someone else for comfort? How can I try to relate to someone else with the same problem if I'm not even allowed to say what it is? I can't go to my parents because they're the problem. My family is falling apart before my eyes. It's just too fast.
Yesterday, I got a call from my mom at gezelles house, while everyone was on the driveway having fun, I walked down the street to talk to my mom. The phone call ended with some tears. I will admit, yes, I did cry on the street. It was extremely embarrassing. I hate crying in public places, let alone say it. I couldn't stay at the curb forever so I went back and they all saw how red my face was. I couldn't tell my own best friend why I was crying. Now everyone thinks it was for a stupid reason, that my parents couldn't pick me up. Why would i cry over that? aggh T_T i hate how everything just gets so depressing lately.
I j u s t w a n t a h a p p y f a m i l y .
photo credits : ~Shikigamis via deviantart.com
Sunday, August 1, 2010 / 11:17 PM
The good.The bad.The ugly.
Well here I am in the lovely, but very smoggy, Los Angeles, California. So far so good I guess. But then again, this trip surely has it's goods and bads. I'm pretty lucky to be able to see so many places in the world. I've been to almost ever major city in Canada and getting to see more of the United States. The past 2 years I've been lucky enough to go and travel to different places in north america. It's great. But LA is pretty unique.
Never in my life have I seen so many different types of interaction. Whilst driving around Los Angeles and Hollywood, I've seen people dancing crazily in their cars, people singing inside them, couples sharing a sweet kiss on a bench on Rodeo Drive. I've seen a lesbian couple in their apartment (they had the window open, and it was a red light, i'm not a creeper T_T ) share a cute hug with eachother. I've seen families that just seem so perfect. It's so unique here. The beaches are beautiful and have so much action. Especially Venice beach, where there's all sorts of people. I saw white people in freaking sari's. They're like white east indians. The food here is pretty good too. There's all sorts of restaurants. Beverly hills was soooo pretty! The houses are huge and everything is super clean. Rodeo drive is so.... i dont know.. fabulous? Hollywood blvd is PACKED with people, especially asians. But lucky me, I randomly ran into Hot Topic (: yaaay! Oh, and the radio stations arent bad, continuous music. AND THERE'S A KOREATOWN AND A LITTLE TOKYO =D
Los Angeles is really really smoggy. You can only see so far because the haziness of the smog hides everything. You can only see vague outlines of buildings! So much pollution everywhere...kinda gross. Then most of LA is really really really really dirty. There's so much $h*t everywhere, garbaage! It feels pretty gross to walk around or drive while seeing trash and litter everywhere... sick. The weather here wasn't what I expected either. It was supposed to be really hot here. Like... 30-40 degrees. Instead, most of the time, the weather is below 20.. and it gets pretty cloudy and chilly. This really sucks because I didn't bring a sweater or any long pants, I admit it was pretty stupid of me but... it's LA. People walk around shirtless and in bikini's. Then again.,, I guess they're used to it.
Although this trip has been mostly good, it's also pretty hectic as well. My mom is causing a LOT of headaches. Constant moodswings and just really getting on our nerves. We're in Los Angeles and sometimes she says she just wants to stay at the hotel. She had a fit because we were going to venice beach.. a really famous beach... Venice board walk, muscle beach , HUNDREDS of people everywhere. Everythings happening there. And she gets mad because it's apparently too "sunny" out. And she's scared of getting dark. aaaghh... sooo filipino. But then again, I cant bash her too much, she's still my mom. And i still love her no matter what. She has great traits but some really annoying ones. She got kind of mad at me today because i said i wanted to go to koreatown/little tokyo and see venice beach. My dad was like "wtf" face. Im sorry for mentioning where I wanted to go when my dad asked me? It's more complicated then that.. but that's the shortest way I could put it. And yeah.. she just gets really mad at me and my dad for no reason then... 10 minutes later, shes super nice. W.T.F Dx
~V e n i c e B e a c h ~
credits to *BigBaysen deviantart.com
Friday, July 30, 2010 / 9:34 PM
Here I go again.
Well, here I go again, posting again on the same day. -sigh- Oh well, blogs are for what I have to say anyway, so it's alright I guess. Would it be called blog-whoring? Since there's camwhores and forumwhores and stuff. eh.. blogwhoring it is.
Ahh.. Los Angeles tomorrow. I'm not too sure if I'm happy or could really care less about the trip. On one hand, I've never been to LA before. It seems extremely exciting, a famous place always mentioned in movies and everything. It's a place of fame and opportunity. There are so many beaches and places to go and see. But for some reason, I`m not as excited as I thought I would be. I like the idea of travelling and seeing new places, but this trip was just planned at the wrong time...
On the other hand, I dont want to go to Los Angeles. So many things are happening this week/weekend that I'll be missing. I never will get to see one of my close friends. She's visiting from Vancouver and won't come back to visit for a very long time. Oh, Vanessa, I wish you'd stay longer! I have to miss out on seeing a good friend. Ah.. If only teleportation was real, then I'd teleport to see her all the time. I also have to miss out on lots of events happening. For instance, Heritage Days is happening this weekend. Lucky me. I get to miss it too. It just had to fall on the days I'd be gone on vacation. Last year, I remember going with some of my friends, and Hiro was there. I could have seen him this weekend .It's been a long time, Hiro, since I've seen you. I miss you. Sometimes, I feel like my eyes are going to tear up or something when I think about it. Gee.. Such a soft-y when it comes to him. It seems to me that I've been bottling up my self, neglecting how I feel. Eh.. Id rather make others happy then myself, but that's for another day.
Yet another reason why I don't want to go to LA is because I`ll be missing lots of dance practices with Gezelle and everyone. This is bad because the choreo for the waltz is already finished and I won`t be able to learn it! I don`t want to be falling behind.. This means a lot for Gezelle, and I really hope I can make the dance perfect. Practice time for her cotillion was extremely short compared to other people. Others normally practice up to 5 months prior, whereas Gezelle`s... we`ve just started practicing a month before the actual date of the debut. $h*t.
Summer seems to be going by quite slowly. But I feel like I`ve sort of been missing out. Although, it`s not a bad summer, it`s not the best summer I`ve had. Everytime I log on to facebook or whatever, I see people posting up pictures of summer 2010! And such a big hype about it. But really, things just seem all the same to me. But at least people are enjoying the summer, seems like no stress. Ahh... I`ll admit, even though I act like I don`t really care about it, I`m actually pretty jealous. I don`t exactly have a "main" group of friends. I have several groups, which I'm in, but not really if that makes sense. Everyones so close with eachother, and always do everything together, but I just kinda flow in and out of groups. It makes me really sad sometimes. I do have best friends, then again, they're all in different groups. Some of them don't exactly get a long too well with one another either. -sigh- I envy all of you with you're main groups of friends and such. Sora, Nina, and Micho, if you're reading this, I'll admit, I'm jealous of you guys. Very, very, jealous.
All july has been very long. I do have lots of memories, but they just don't seem as memorable as I thought. I met a lot of great people this summer, and hopefully will start some new long term friendships. I really hate those "short term" friendships that last for maybe two months at most? Then back to complete strangers. I truly hope that this summer will be more memorable then I think it will be. I also hope that my LA trip will turn out well..
I ' l l n e v e r s t o p t h i n k i n g . . .
credits to ~bluecello @ deviantart.com